


Of Helmets and Smoothies

by SmolFoxNB



Category: Dark Souls (Video Games), My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Genre: Original Character - Freeform, first fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-07
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:35:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23050294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SmolFoxNB/pseuds/SmolFoxNB
Summary: What happens when you drop a nerd in plate armor into the middle of the Equestrian wilderness? Shenanigans.Join “Black Smith,” a novice blacksmith and armorer, and various characters from the MLP:FiM universe as they adventure in a world that is both strikingly familiar... yet noticeably different.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	1. In the beginning... there was grass.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic of any kind really, so please be gentle with me.
> 
> Comments would be appreciated, as well as honest critiques. I’m trying to improve my writing.
> 
> Now buckle up and let’s get this absolute travesty rolling, shall we?  
> (Future chapters will be longer... I hope)

It seems like an ordinary day in Ponyville. The sun is shining, the birds are singing happily in the sky, and Twilight is happily reading a new book in the library. Little does anypony know that this day would forever change life in Equestria.

Ok maybe not that dramatic but still things happen and it gets weird.

The first thing I noticed when I woke up was that I was incredibly uncomfortable. I felt swelteringly hot, and something was poking me in the side.

As coherent thought slowly bubbled to the surface, I fought to remember what had happened before my nap.

I didn’t remember taking a nap though...

I remembered being at a HEMA tournament. Maybe I took a blow to the head?

I sat up and fumbled to raise my visor as I realized I was still in my armor.

Odd... if I had gotten knocked out, wouldn’t someone have taken off my helmet?

I clambered to my feet and gazed at the open field that surrounded the crater I was in. The sun beat down on me and I finally found the mental faculty to voice my confusion.

“Heuughhhh?!”

Ok yes I just channeled my inner Tim Allan, but can you really blame me? For as far as the eye could see, there was nothing but green grass and rolling hills. No signs of civilization anywhere. I picked out the tallest nearby hilltop and trudged towards it as quickly as my encumbered limbs would allow. It didn’t help that I was hecking thirsty.

Cresting the hill rewarded me with nothing but more of the same scenery. Green grass and golden sunlight and no shade whatsoever. Bummer.

Wait... in the distance I could faintly make out what looked like a road. What little I knew about survivalist stuff trickled through my brain. Roads and riverbeds. Both good. Both lead somewhere. I set off at a slow clanking jog.

“Well this is... something?” I muttered as I scanned the railroad tracks. They stretched off to the horizon in both directions, with no hint as to which way lead to closer civilization. Totally not cool.

My only solace in this situation was the lack of rust on the rails. The air felt humid enough that regular rain was likely, yet the top surfaces of the rails were shiny and completely rust free.

“So possibly daily traffic? No guarantee the train would stop for me though... it’s not like I’m a hitchhiker on the side of a road. And even if I was-“ I rambled on to myself “-it’s not like anyone in their right mind would stop to pick up some dude in full plate. The red cross tabard probably wouldn’t help matters either.”

In the distance, there came a soft rumble. I perked up and looked down the tracks. Indeed there was a train coming... and fast. Puffs of steam rose from the engine as it roared down the tracks at what I could only assume was full speed.

“Oh yeah she ain’t stoppin’ for nobody.” I grumbled. Then I stopped short, shock spreading through me at the realization that... I recognized that train. I snorted and shook my head in disbelief.

“The Friendship Express... you have got to be kidding me. I’m in Equestria.”

The train did not stop, as I expected. Though if the look on the driver’s face was any indication, he definitely noticed me. The mustachioed pony’s eyes had nearly doubled in size as the train passed where I stood, and I knew that if I followed it, I’d likely meet guards or police or something sooner or later.

But the coal car was low, and the boiler was also low. Meaning there was a rest stop or something close by... maybe? Trains weren’t exactly my area of expertise.

Either way, as I walked, I learned some things about myself. The magic in the air in this world was doing stuff to me. My armor felt lighter as I walked, and my fatigue actually seemed to be decreasing the further I went. I began to jog, and things got even easier. I broke into a full on run, and things got still easier. I increased my speed until the train stopped fading into the distance and instead began to grow closer.

Actually the train had stopped. But still the ground blurred beneath me as my boots kicked up puffs of dust with each step.

This world was making me stronger... probably. I was still thirsty as all heck though. I reached where the train was stopped just as they finished restocking and set to depart. I inwardly groaned as steam hissed and the train began to distance itself from me yet again.

At least there was a water pump here. I pulled off my helmet, arming cap, and hair net and splashed water in my face before taking a good drink. The water tasted slightly of iron, and I hoped there wasn’t anything harmful in it. But two hours later and no issues told me it was probably fine.

The sun set and the moon drifted lazily into the sky, marking the end of my first day in Equestria. Not much really happened.

I managed to slip into a small shack by the rest stop that had some blankets and what I assumed to be preserved food of some kind. I shed as much of my armor as I could, as some parts seemed to be stuck, and curled up under a blanket. Hopefully tomorrow would make more sense.


	2. Things happen... sort of?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Told ya these would get longer as I went! My writing is usually pretty sporadic, and I don’t really have a beta reader, so it usually takes me a while to write enough to call it a chapter.
> 
> But anyways, stuff starts actually happening here!

  
Tomorrow absolutely did not make more sense.

I was roused by the sound of a train thundering down the tracks, and peeked out through a knothole in the side of the shed. It was the same train from the day before, only this time it didn’t stop at this rest station.

“I have no idea what that means... but I’m going to keep running the same way I was going yesterday. Maybe they didn’t stop here because there’s a town that way?” My musings weren’t helping me cover any ground, so I stood and put my armor back on.

Once everything was back in order, I hit the road yet again.

I had to stop to catch my breath and hold back a laugh as traces of civilization grew. Rather... familiar landmarks grew.

Far in the distance, through the haze of early morning fog, I spotted mountains. And a castle built impressively into the side of them.

Canterlot. I found Canterlot.

Based on my current position and how far away the mountains still were, I assumed I would hit Ponyville before too much longer.

I assumed correctly. And remember when I said something earlier about guards? I was right about that too.

Several rows of guards with spears and brightly colored armor stood in formation around the town... village... whatever Ponyville actually is.

“I do say I think that’s Shining Armor in front there.” I muttered, slowing my jog to an easy stroll. Judging by how my armor glinted in the sun, there was no way I had escaped their notice. Though, I was still a good distance from the blockade.

I grumbled as it felt like the sun was trying to bake me alive in my armor, the relief of the water I drank earlier all but forgotten.

A tree. I blinked and momentarily dragged my eyes away from the unicorn guards to the large tree in the center of Ponyville. Hadn’t Tirek destroyed that? If the library was still intact, but Shining was here... I squinted to confirm. Cadence was here too, but toward the back of the group.

Things were different? Or, at least, hadn’t happened yet?

Instead of continuing my approach to the town, I plopped myself down on a rock and had a little think.

“Hmmm... hmmmmmmmm... hm.” I hummed.

Nothing.

I had no plan whatsoever.

Maybe I could just circumvent the whole town and find something to eat in the Everfree Forest?

My stomach complained loudly at that idea and I huffed.

“Well-“ I muttered to myself- “it’s not like I plan to wreck havoc or anything. I just want some food, a place to stay, and maybe incite a musical number or two.”

The thought causes a giggle to bubble up from my throat and soon my shoulders shake with unsuppressed laughter.

“Well you’re laughing and you don’t seem all that evil, so I guess I can tell Captain Shinypants he can stop all his worry-mongering?”

I’d know that voice anywhere.

Though that didn’t make its proximity or volume any less surprising.

I jumped to my feet, visor falling into place over my face at the sudden movement, and turn to face the... unexpectedly small pink earth pony.

“Miss Pie, I would ask that you please refrain from surprising me like that. And yes, I suppose you could tell Shining that I pose no threat.”

It took a moment of staring into a pair of suddenly very confused pony eyes before I realized my mistake.

Their names.

I had called them by name, despite having never met them before. How would I have known their names?

“Uh... I’ll explain how I know your names, among other things, later. Perhaps you could assist me with gathering all the important ponies? I confess I’m a little stumped on what I’m doing here myself.”

Pinkie Pie shook her head to clear the dumbfounded expression from her face (to the sound of a jangling cowbell, much to my amusement) and nodded.

“Who do you need?”

“Shining, of course. He needs to know I pose no threat. Twilight is a must, and I suppose Spike will want to tag along. Hmmm... honestly I really need all the Elements of Harmony there, and probably all of the Princesses as well... and maybe...”

The next name makes her eyes widen.

“Discord?”

“Ok not Discord. He’s still in stone? Hmmmmm... then I’m really lost. I have no idea when I am.”

Pinkie cocks her head to the side like an adorable little puppy and squints one eye in confusion.

Honestly, I want to hug this little bean so much... but I’m still wearing my armor, so that’s a no-go.

“When? Don’t you mean where?”

“No. Surprisingly enough, I know almost exactly where I am. About a half hour walk from the edge of Ponyville. I assume that that over there-“ I point into the distance to a barn I hadn’t noticed earlier- “is Sweet Apple Acres property?”

Pinkie nods, awestruck.

“Then yes, I know pretty well where I am. And as for where I’m going...” I shift my gaze to the big tree in the middle of the town.

“The Library.”

Pinkie gasps theatrically, and I smirk behind my visor. She could teach Rarity a thing or two about being dramatic.

“Okie dokie loki! So you want Captain Shiny-pants, the princesses, and all the elements in one spot when we don’t even know your name or what you are or why you’re here?”

I blink. Oh. She’s right. That looks really suspicious. Might as well be honest though.

“Uh... yes. I figure it will be simpler to have all the ponies that might know how I got here, as well as all the ponies that might be afraid of me in the same place so I don’t have to trudge all over Equestria doing meet and greets.”

Pinky nods sagely, as if everything makes sense now.

“I still don’t trust you.” She states flatly.

“Well I mean I can’t blame you. We just met and-“

“I can’t see your eyes. So I can’t trust you.”

I suck in a breath at the realization. My visor! I reach up and fumble with the straps a bit before the whole helmet unclasps. It takes a bit of wiggling to get the thing off my head, but once it pops off, a refreshingly cool breeze chills the sweat on my face.

“Aah~ better?”

Pinkie stares in wonder, then slowly nods.

“You... have pretty eyes.”

About an hour later, I was still sitting on that same rock, waiting for Pinkie to get back and let me know whether I could enter Ponyville or not.

I had replaced my helmet on my head, since it afforded me some protection from the sun, which still beat down like it wanted to cook me alive.

Cicadas droned loudly in the grass and I guessed it was mid summer or something here. Thunderheads loomed over what I could only assume was the Everfree Forest.

“Maybe I should have told Pinkie to get Mayor Mare too?”

Grass nearby crunched under several sets of hooves, and I rose to my feet reflexively.

“You really should have.” Another voice I recognized.

“Miss Mayor. I apologize for not thinking of you before, since Ponyville is your town and all.” I spoke, turning to the small earth pony and bowing slightly.

But as soon as I rose from my bow, I knew there was a problem. Mayor Mare was flanked on both sides by three much larger ponies, each in royal guard armor. The armor did little to hide their muscular frames.

Did they expect a fight? From whom? Me?

I raised an eyebrow and glanced at the guards meaningfully, then back to Mayor Mare as she took in a breath and began to speak.

“By the power vested in me, through election of the ponies, unicorns, and pegasi of Ponyville: I, Mayor Mare of Ponyville, do hereby deny your request to enter my town, or do dealings with its residents. Any attempt to circumvent this and approach this town will be met with all the force we can muster, including the use of lethal weaponry. All this has been agreed upon by the town council, in accordance with town law.”

When she was finished, a heavy silence hung in the air between us. She took a shaky breath, and I could tell it was taking all her bravery to stand there and face me instead of running the opposite direction.

She was afraid of me. Deathly so.

“Hmmm... ok.”

She blinked and twitched her ears as if she didn’t hear me properly.

“What did you just-“

“I said ok. I won’t try to enter your city, though I have already met with one of your residents, Pinkie Pie, who I’m guessing is the one who told you about me. I must confess I’m a little disappointed-“ I can see tension rising in the eyes of the guards, so I quickly clarify- “but I suppose there’s nothing for it.”

I turn, allowing my cape to billow in the fresh breeze.

“I suppose I will have to simply find food and drink elsewhere, and walk around your town to reach Canterlot. Ugh.”

I shake my head in dismay as my stomach rumbles again. Another day or two of travel on an already empty stomach. And if I get turned away there too... well...

I decide to think about that later.

A bolt of magic strikes me in the back and pitches me face first into a patch of tall grass.

“If you think we’ll allow you to harm anypony, anywhere, you’ve got another thing coming!”

Rough voice, cocky, deep baritone. One of the guards. They must think that by “food” I meant ponies. Stupid. But fear makes people... and ponies do stupid things.

My back tingles a little from the blast of magic, but doesn’t seem to actually be damaged. I flip down my visor and rise from the grass slowly, as if I’ve been hurt. The blast hadn’t actually hit my armor, but rather the shield I had slung over my back. I fit it onto my left arm and turned to face them.

All color had drained from Mayor Mare’s face as she slowly stepped back, but her eyes were on the guards. Not me. The attack wasn’t her idea. Good to know. I might just let her survive.

Where did that thought come from?

Two of the three guards charged me with spears, and the third readied another magical blast.

And I, being the practical knight, turned and ran as fast as I could in the other direction.

No fight thank you. Fight bad. Especially since I was pretty sure I could kick every single one of their butts.

Since I’m human and have hands and a sword and shield and stuff. Just a hunch.

So I ran. As far and as fast as I could. Sweat soaked my clothes under my armor, and the heat from the sun felt especially oppressive.

“I’ll have to talk to Celestia about that when I get to Canterlot... if they let me in.” I grumbled.

“Why not now?”

Yet another familiar voice. And with a tone I really did not want to hear at this particular moment.

My stomach groaned almost as loud as I did as I turned to face the brilliance that is the ruler of all of Equestria. Princess Celestia in the flesh.

A surprising amount of that flesh being allocated to her hindquarters. Thicc, as they say.

...now those were thoughts I absolutely did not need.

A good first impression is what I need.

I quickly pulled off my helmet and dropped to one knee in the best kneel I could manage after running for so long. Sweat dripped off my chin as I bowed my head and clasped my right arm across my chest in a kind of salute.

“Princess! An honor, truly, to be graced with your presence. My apologies if I offended you with my earlier statement.”

I wanted to say more, but stopped myself. It wouldn’t do to run my mouth on our first meeting. That wouldn’t be polite, right?

“You... you may raise your head, human.”

I glanced up in surprise to find a similar expression plastered across the regal Princess’s face as well.

“I... well. It would seem we were both expecting this meeting to go differently.” I stated. Celestia gave a slow nod.

“I have heard of humans through ancient tomes. They were described as a savage, warlike race. They were said to eat the meat of other living creatures and destroy the earth upon which they walked.”

Oh.

Yeah humans did technically do that. Sort of?

“I suppose... in mass, we are capable of a fair amount of destruction.”

At these words, Celestia bristles.

“So you do not deny what I’ve said?” She almost shouts, traces of royal canterlot voice seeping through.

I offer a wan smile and shake my head.

“I’m afraid I cannot refute your claims about humans in general. But I’m no warrior, nor am I a hunter. I am but a simple blacksmith,” which was technically true... though I only smithed as a hobby really.

”And... well I’m just one human. As far as I know, I’m the only one here.”

My words do little to calm her, and it seems like she’s one twitch away from blasting me with magic.

I decide to change tactics.

“Uh... if it helps, I honestly have no idea how I got here. But I know some things about this place.”

Celestia raises an eyebrow, and I can tell I’m on thin ice. Gotta be careful what I say next.

“Nightmare Moon, Discord, Chrysalis, Sombra... there’s a few I can’t quite remember, but I know Tirek is also a threat, or will be.”

Celestia gapes at me in a rather un-princess-like way.

“The elements of harmony are: an earth pony named Applejack who represents Honesty, a unicorn named Rarity who represents Generosity, a pegasus named Rainbow Dash who represents Loyalty, a pegasus named Fluttershy who represents Kindness, an earth pony named Pinke Pie (who I’ve met, by the way) who represents Laughter, and lastly but not least,” I pause to take a breath and Celestia looks like she’s about to faint.

“A unicorn named Twilight Sparkle, who is not only the element of magic but is also your star pupil.”

Celestia lets a shaky smirk slip onto her expression.

Why would she smirk at that? Did I get something wrong?

Then it clicks.

The final bit of info that might prove my knowledge.

“Oh wait. Did you make her an Alicorn already?”

More like the final nail in my coffin.


	3. Things Are Different

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another short one?
> 
> Well it’s progress. Some things happen in this one.
> 
> I literally have no idea what I’m doing.

  
The blast of magic struck me completely unaware, launching me sideways through the air.

It didn’t come from Celestia. Wrong color. Wrong direction. Plus Celestia was still standing where I left her, staring in awe and horror as I traced a smoking trail through the sky.

I landed in a mercifully soft patch of tall grass and brush and pulled on my helmet with the momentary reprieve. Then I had a thought.

Play dead.

The helmet visor hid my face completely, and my breastplate would hide the rise and fall of my chest as I breathed.

Maybe if I play dead, they’ll leave me alone.

“Sister what have you done?!” Celestia sounds horrified.

“We did what was necessary, dearest sister.”

Ah. Luna. My favorite princess. Possibly a little less favorite now. That hurted.

“Sister! Dear Luna! It knew things! It knew of my pupil. By name! It knew of Tirek. And Discord. It said they would be a problem.”

Hoofsteps approached me and I held my breath.

“Oh. Well...” Luna muttered. That was unlike her. Muttering? From a princess?

Her next words fell upon my ears like the strike of a quarterstaff across the face.

“Shit he’s dead.”

I didn’t want to laugh. I really didn’t. But it was just so unexpected. The snort tore through my lips as I rolled to my side and cackled loudly.

Both princesses gasped and I could hear them step back as I sat up and pulled my helmet off again.

“Eheh.. heh... hoooo ok I wasn’t expecting that. Such vulgar language from such a regal princess.” Celestia barely conceals a snort and Luna levels a glare at her so sharp it could cut paper.

“Heh... whoo. I mean no hard feelings. Were I in her position, I would have done the same.”

Luna looks cheered by my words, though also confused.

“You two are sisters, and I’m guessing Princess Celestia didn’t tell you where she was going before she left, right? All you could do was assume the worst.”

Luna brightens and Celestia looks somewhat chastised, kicking at a clump of grass with a forehoof. The action is uncharacteristically cute. And Luna seems to agree.

“Sister stop abusing the grass. Thou hast done this since we were foals. The moment you are chastised, you gush charm and innocence in a bid for forgiveness.”

I smile. Unlike in the show, these two act like real siblings.

“We have seen you during the royal orgies of old and you are anything but innocent.”

Ok I was not expecting that. I’m glad for a moment that my helmet hides my face, since I can feel it burning red with blush... then I remember with creeping dread that it’s currently sitting in the grass beside me. I bury my face in my hands. For all my bravado, certain topics still get me all flustered.

“Ah! Uhm... I’m still here, you know.” I say, to remind them of my presence. Neither reacts as I expect. Luna huffs, seeming more annoyed at my interruption than anything else.

Celestia seems intrigued by my embarrassment.

“What have you to be embarrassed of? Why would...” she trails off, as if realizing something, and grins in a way I’m not sure I like. My face flushes an even deeper shade of red as the grass by my knee suddenly becomes much more interesting than the conversation.

“I say we allow him to stay with Twilight in Ponyville.” She declares.

Luna splutters.

“You cannot be serious, sister! She is your prized pupil, and you would let this-“ she gestures to me with a wing- “stay in her abode unsupervised?”

“Hardly unsupervised, dearest Luna.” Celestia sniffs in a sort of ‘do you think I’m stupid’ kind of way and swishes her tail in annoyance.

“She can investigate why our magic doesn’t seem to work on him, and how he arrived in Equestria in the first place.”

It seems final, as Luna begrudgingly says nothing on opposition of the plan.

“So... does this mean Mayor mare can’t sic the guards on me for trying to enter town?”

Both princess’ heads swivel to stare at me in abject horror.

“She what?!”

“Well... a little while before Princess Celestia found me, I was sitting on a rock outside of town waiting for Pinkie Pie to come back. I had met her earlier and asked her to send for everyone important so I could talk to them out here, then go into town without scaring anypony.”

Luna raises an eyebrow and cocks an ear to the side, clearly confused. Celestia huffs.

“Clearly she got distracted or interrupted, because the message I received from Shining Armor said simply that there was a bipedal creature in polished silver armor blocking the railway into town. He seemed to think you were laying siege to Ponyville.”

I gawked in amazement.

“What? He thinks I could stop a train by myself? I mean I guess I should thank him for the vote of confidence, but seriously? All I was doing was sitting on a rock and boiling alive in the brilliant sunshine.”

Luna lets out a triumphant laugh and points a hoof at Celestia.

“We told you it was too bright out today! But wouldst thou listen? No. ‘The ponies do so enjoy basking in the brilliance of the sun’ you said. But look, sister. Are we basking? No. We are melting.”

I stifle a smirk at the ‘I’m so done’ look on Celestia’s face as Luna continues her rant. I wait patiently for a pause to clear my throat and politely interrupt.

“Well, in all fairness, I am wearing a tabard over plate armor over top of mail and inch and a half thick gambeson.”

Both sisters stare as me as if I’ve gone completely crazy.

“Why?”

“Well, before I somehow ended up here, I was at a tournament of sorts. So sadly my armor is the only clothing I have.”

Both are silent for a moment before Luna speaks up.

“It is nice armor. It almost looks like the armor of the knight class from Night Spirit 3.”

Celestia groans and I nearly choke on my own tongue.

“Wait wait wait. Is that a video game? Because in my world, we have something called ‘Dark Souls’ and my armor is modeled after the knights class from the third game... slightly modified though. The white and red tabard, and the differently styled great helm were of my own design.” I ramble.

Luna’s eyes practically glimmer with joy.

“I have found one of my people! A fellow gamer! Ah we shall have so much fun!”

Celestia groans louder.

“Now I’ll never get her to leave her room. Wonderful.”

I snicker and rest a hand on her shoulder, causing her to tense slightly. I make a quick mental note that they don’t quite trust me  that much yet. Best I keep my hands to myself for the time being.

“No worries, Princess. I’ll be sure she gets out and eats regularly.”

Celestia bumps me with her rump as she walks past, clearly wanting to get to Ponyville before her sister and I start geeking out again.

“Throw in ‘regular showers’ and I might just forgive you.” She huffs.

I slide a sideways glance at a darkly blushing Luna.

“I do so shower regularly.”

“Once a week is not regular, Loony.”

I can’t hold back the giggles as Luna literally fumes. The steam rising from her head accompanied by the sound of a whistling tea kettle is the final straw as I burst into laughter.

“Don’t encourage her! And besides, I could tell you stories about her that would dwarf mine in terms of embarrassment!”

I can barely see through the tears as we make our way to the outskirts of town, laughing the whole time.

So they don’t quite trust me completely yet... but we’re getting there.


	4. Apparent Differences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey hi howdy. Sorry about not posting for so long.  
> I got distracted and ended up reading the entirety of Homestuck instead of writing.
> 
> So that’s a thing that happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go with another hopefully long one?

  


“Seeing as how you are an elected official, and we are both Princesses and rulers of the land in which you are an elected official, I would say your ‘law’ is null and void.”

“I- ah- well” Mayor Mare stammered. Her eyes repeatedly flicked back and forth between the two princesses and my expressionless faceplate. She looked conflicted and terrified.

We’re getting nowhere.

“May I make a suggestion?”

All three sets of pony eyes swivel to where I sit crosslegged in the grass. I clear my throat and steeple my fingers as I mull over my plan... which really isn’t much of a plan.

“What if I were to stay out here until somepony can verify that I won’t cause any trouble in town? Like... if the guard captain came out here and put me in cuffs or something. That might give ponies more peace of mind?”

Like I said, not much of a plan, but Mayor Mare seemed to be considering it. So at least it was progress.

“And maybe somepony could bring me a mango and spinach smoothie? I feel like I’m about to pass out.”

Mayor mare blinks in astonishment.

“I thought your kind were carnivores. I mean... your teeth-“ she blushes, seeming embarrassed by her assumption.

“Humans are technically omnivores, which means we can eat basically anything. But I made a choice a long time ago to never eat animals.”

Mayor Mare is silent for a moment, then nods.

“I don’t know if I will be able to get you a smoothie, but I suppose I could ask Pinkie Pie. And as for the guards... they won’t take orders from me. I’m just an elected official, after all.” Her tail and mane droop a little at these words. Clearly she’s used to being ignored by ponies in other positions of power.

I shoot a meaningful glance at Celestia. She nods.

“They will listen to me.”

She strides past Mayor Mare, mane aflutter and centuries of leadership giving her presence the weight of a true ruler. An impressive show, and for a moment I find myself taken aback at her abrupt change in demeanor.

But only for a moment. It wouldn’t do for me to just sit there like a bump on a log while all the ponies around me make important decisions. I clear my throat to call their attention back to me before I speak.

“I know our plan is for me to stay here while you all go talk to the guard captain, but wouldn’t leaving me alone out here just incite the same trouble with the guards as before? If they come back out after you all leave, I’ll just be sitting here all on my lonesome, and they might attack me again.”

Celestia and Luna exchange glances. They know I have a point. Then they both smirk. Mayor Mare looks between the faces of her radiant leaders, and the expressionless holes in my visor with slowly growing dread. It seems they have an idea, and Mayor Mare doesn’t like it.

“Wait- you can’t mean to-“

“Luna. If you would be so kind as to go speak with Twilight and inform her of the situation, I will speak with Shining and see if we cannot reach an agreement. Miss Mayor, you will be in charge of keeping an eye on our... visitor. See to it that any guards who come near are aware that he is here under royal protection. That should give your words more weight.

Mayor Mare goes pale, and for a moment I’m concerned she might faint.

“Oh buck me sideways.”

I almost pity the poor dear. Maybe lightening the mood would help a little?

“Hey now I’m not all bad once you get to know me! I’m just... comparatively tall, imposing, and based on how much I’ve been sweating I probably stink. But aside from all that, I assure you I’m a delightful person.”

She doesn’t look convinced, but the two princesses are already trotting off toward the town. Too late for her to argue with their plan. Her eyes dart from their receding silhouettes back to me, and I realize that she’s standing in my shadow.

Intimidating.

Compared to a pony, I cast a very large shadow.

“...well that happened,” I mutter.

She haltingly nods.

“So,” I begin, frowning as the sound of my voice makes her flinch. “It’s hot out here.”

A+ conversational material there buddy. I rack my brain for better small talk topics.

“Do- do you like clouds?” I squeaked. Like a teen going through puberty. Or more accurately like a strangled parrot. What can I say? I don’t do too well with people (or ponies) I don’t know too well. I could function ok with Celestia and Luna because I had watched the show. Sure, this world seemed different, but I still felt kinda familiar with them.

Mayor Mare, beyond knowing her name and the fact that her mane was actually pink, was an unknown to me.

My palms were sweaty.

She stared at me like I had grown an extra pair of arms. If at first you don’t succeed...

“Wow it sure is hot out here...”

...maybe failure is more my style.

I was just about to contemplate whether suppuku would be possible with my dueling sword, as it had no sharp edges and was only marginally more dangerous than a butter knife, when she responded.

“It is quite hot out here. And clouds are... fine. I suppose.”

The giggle that bubbled out of my chest was some strange mixture of relief and nerves. I pulled off my gauntlets and undid the straps of my helmet. She was giving me a chance.

“Ah I’m sorry. I’m... not really good with pe- ponies I don’t know.”

“You seemed to know the princesses. What’s your connection with them?”

“That’s kinda difficult to explain.”

She turned to face me fully, one eyebrow raised inquisitively. I took it as my cue to elaborate.

“Well... I know them. Sort of. I guess you could say I’ve read a version of this world’s story. I know some things that happened here, or haven’t happened yet. So I knew of them, and I knew things that only somepony that lived here would know.”

Mayor Mare stared at me blankly, clearly not understanding a word I just said.

“It’s complicated and I’ll do my best to explain it once everypony is here, but for now... there’s weird cross-dimensional stuff going on and no one knows how or why.”

“That’s the biggest load of bullshit I’ve ever heard. And I’m a politician, so that’s saying something.”

I snort and can’t help but grin.

“Hey I know it sounds stupid, but here I am. Literally no idea how or why I’m here.”

She still looks doubtful, but now at least she doesn’t seem to think I’m about to bite her head off. So that’s progress. She might think I’m stupid now, but I can live with that.

A few hours later, and a small group of ponies trot out onto the open field separating us from town. Mayor Mare spots them and tenses. It takes me a few moments to figure out why.

“Hmmmm... I’m guessing that banner is a bad sign?”

She nods.

“As in, for some strange reason, Shining Armor refused to listen to Princess Celestia and is instead coming to challenge me in combat?”

Another nod.

“And that pink alicorn in the back... is that Princess Miamore Cadenza or however you spell her name?”

A very confused nod, but a nod nonetheless.

“Quick question.”

“What?”

“Is Princess Cadence married to Shining Armor yet?”

“No. The wedding was scheduled for next month. But how did you know about that? There hasn’t even been a formal announcement made yet.”

“Long story short, cross-dimensional stuff. What do you know about Changelings?”

“Change-what?”

“Hmmmmmmmmmm fudge nuggets. The plan has just gone out the window. We need to get to Princess Twilight Sparkle. She’s probably the only one besides me with a clue as to what’s going on.”

Mayor Mare’s eyes widen as my words come out in a rush.

“Long story. Short version is, that’s not Cadence. It’s actually the Changeling queen Chrysalis, and she’s trying to take over Equestria by marrying Shining and subsequently trapping everypony in cocoons or some crap. Lots of green stuff and drama. I don’t remember the episode all that well. Great song though.”

Mayor looks totally lost.

Action first, explanation later.

“We need to get to the library and talk to Twilight. How fast are you?”

She grimaces.

“Not as fast as I’d like to be. I usually finish dead last in the running of the leaves every year, except for this last year-“

“When it was Applejack and Rainbow Dash tied for last. Yeah I’m going to carry you.”

She did a double take and spluttered, but judging from how fast Shining and his group of guards were approaching, we didn’t have time for a comedic spit-take. I pulled on my gauntlets and helmet, scooped her up in a princess carry, and bolted straight for town.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More things happen, and more characters step into the light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go. More stuff.
> 
> Feel free to comment or critique if you notice something amiss.
> 
> And as always, thank you for reading!

  
  


To say my move was calculated would be an absolute lie. I honestly had no idea what I was doing, other than that I needed to talk to Twilight. So as I met the group of guards (which were probably changelings in disguise) I just squared my shoulders and charged through.

I hit the group with the force of a freight train, and for a moment had to wonder if there was some credence to the thought that I could stop the Friendship Express with my bare hands. Maybe Shining was a better judge of strength than I gave him credit for.

I blew through the group and skidded to a halt before trampling the unicorn in question. I had a sneaking suspicion Twilight wouldn’t take kindly to me steamrolling her BBBFF into the dirt. Just a hunch. “Cadence” stood behind him, smiling in a very villainous way. There was no way I could progress without going through or around both of them.

Time to try something stupid.

“Excuse me, Queen Chrysalis? Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior Solaire of Astora?”

“Cadence’s” smile dropped faster than the pitch of my voice when a hot girl walks by.

Bingo.

I can’t believe that actually worked.

“What?” the voice is close to being a dead ringer for real-Cadence... but the tone was just strained enough to be noticeable.

“The sun-“ I growled. “Do you praise it?”

Before either Shiny-pants or Queen Cheeselegs had a moment to react, I made my move.

And by move I mean I looped an arm under Shining and yeeted him skyward. Chrysalis had no choice but to fly up to catch him, and I used the momentary distraction to bolt down the road into town.

“Miss Mayor. You still with me?” I called. She moaned from her spot under one arm and mumbled a queasy affirmative.

“Hey no hurlin’ on the armor, dude. Just waxed it.” I drawled. Mayor Mare failed to share my sense of humor, it seemed.

A glance over my shoulder told me that “Cadence” had indeed caught Shining. I figured she would, since the wedding wasn’t for a month yet and she still needed him alive for that.

But more importantly, it let me know that I had put enough distance between myself and them to successfully duck down a side alley and disappear from view.

Infiltration of Ponyville was a success. Now I just needed to find the library and talk to Twilight. I shifted Mayor Mare and set her gently back on all four hooves.

She wobbled only for a moment before turning on me with rage filled eyes.

“What in Celestia’s name were you thinking?! You threw the captain of the royal guard over forty feet straight up in the air!”

I put a gauntleted finger up to her mouth and raised my visor so she could see my eyes.

“I knew Chrysalis would catch him. She still needs him for her secret plan, so I wasn’t really worried about him getting hurt. Especially since I threw him high enough that the fall would have caused serious injury.”

Mayor Mare looks absolutely horrified, so I clarify.

“If I thew him just a little ways, she could have let him fall without worry that his injuries would hinder her plan. If I threw him really high, so the fall would be serious or fatal, she’d have to save him or risk her plan coming apart completely.”

“So you gambled his life on her not having a plan B?”

Oh. Well I guess when you put it that way, it did sound really stupid.

“...basically yes exactly that.”

“You’re a moron.”

“You’re not wrong. But at least we made it into town. Now if you would be so kind, I have the navigational skills of a blind kitten, so could you please direct me to the library? Things are happening not the way I remember them happening and I need a book horse to tell me what’s going on.”

Mayor Mare huffed and trotted past me before glancing back over her shoulder and swishing her tail.

“Well then, hurry up. The fact that the Princesses did not return is worrying me. Princess Twilight might be able to help.”

When we arrived at the library, nothing looked amiss. Nothing, that is, except the green web-like goop everywhere. If you counted that... then everything was amiss. So very amiss.

“Miss Mayor?” I murmured to the fearfully shaking pony beside me.

“Ye-“ her voice cracked. “Yes?”

“I think I should confess something to you, just incase we don’t survive this.”

She looked up at me, trying to muster a serious expression through the near panic that swam in her eyes.

“What?”

“I have lifts in my shoes. I’m actually like two inches shorter than this.”

She stared at me blankly for a full second, then let a startled snort of laughter out of her nose as the absolute pointlessness of my comment hit home.

“You’d still be taller than all but the princesses without them. Why on Equestria did you feel the need to tell me that?” she managed between gasps as her laughter died down.

I shrugged.

“Hmmm... you seemed tense. And I happen to know a pony that would never have forgiven me if she knew I didn’t try my best to help you smile.”

Mayor Mare peered at me quizzically, traces of mirth leaving tear streaks on her face. She scrubbed them with a fetlock and shook her head.

“Ok-“ she began. “A confession for a confession, hmm? Sound fair?”

I nodded, even as I moved to inspect the green webbing that covered the library door.

“My mane... is actually pink.”

I paused.

So that bit was still canon, despite that fact that nothing else seemed to be following script? Weird.

“Oh I actually knew that. You dye it to seem more serious, right? More business-like?”

I couldn’t see her since my helmet visor restricted my periphery, but I knew she had to be gawking.

“I’m a being from another world, supposedly. There’s a lot I know about a lot of ponies that I have no reason or business to know- AH! Here we are!”

A knife is a handy tool. Which is why I usually carried more than one. I pulled a slim little carving knife out of one of my belt pouches and dug it into the frame of the door.

“I can’t seem to cut the web itself, but I can scrape away the wood it’s attached to!”

Mayor Mare drew in a breath and peered over my shoulder, cringing as I whittled away at what was surely one of the most historical buildings in all of Ponyville. Oh well. Better to deface a historic monument than end up as food for Queen Cheeselegs and her army of overgrown bedbugs, I guess?

If she had complaints, I would politely ignore them later.

A half minute later, I had a big enough hole to crawl through.

A swift kick opened the door behind the webs, and I ushered Mayor Mare through the opening first.

With no idea as to what to expect, I drew my sword as I stood... y’know... just in case I had to bonk some noggins.

I sheathed it again as soon as a very familiar wailing reached my ears.

“They got the mayor too and now they’ve sent a great beast to kill us all! We’re all going to die!”

Rarity, sobbing violently in the corner, surrounded by... eight other ponies.

Five holders of the Elements of Harmony glared at me in defiance, two Princesses of Equestria stared in wonder and relief, and one Princess of Love lifted her head feebly off the floor to gaze sadly at what she assumed was her inevitable death.

“Uh... hi? Did I miss the party?” I waved awkwardly.

Pinkie perked up and gasped.

“Oh it’s you! Hi Shiny Armor Guy! I wanted to throw you a party but when I got everypony together, these mean bug things attacked and locked us all up and took Twilight’s brother and did something to Princess Cadence and it was really scary but Dashie says she isn’t scared but I think she’s actually really scared y’know since she really doesn’t like bugs and-“

“Miss Pie, please.”

Record scratch sound. Classic.

“Would you be so kind as to introduce us to your friends? I feel my appearance is making them uneasy.”

“Oh right. They don’t know you’re a veganitarian or whatever that doesn’t eat ponies. I asked the princesses about that since they met you and I got bored.”

Pinkie twirled and hopped up on a nearby table, pulling a microphone and top-hat out of nowhere. Suddenly, I found myself standing under a spotlight, my armor all a-shimmer as Pinkie began her theatric introductions.


End file.
